I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize