You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
