It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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