the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
