Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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