It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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