On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
