just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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