i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
