Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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