I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
