So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
