mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
