He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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