Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Randomize
