I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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