ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
