I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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