I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He shit in the fireplace
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