bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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