What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
