I want you more than these girls want KFC
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
