dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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