when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
