Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
