So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
