Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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