Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
