My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
