Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
