she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize