So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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