ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
