All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
