then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
