I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
