Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize