I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
