No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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