someone get that fucking seahorse.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
