I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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