I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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