I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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