If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
