It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
