Im at strip club and am horny
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
