I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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