My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
