I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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