Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
