Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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