Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
