if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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