Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
