I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
