Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
