I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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