Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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