i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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