the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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