Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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