he puts the penis in happiness.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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