I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
