Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
