I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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